R.I.P. Mark Sway

"I wish sometimes that I wasn't as conscious as I am." -- River Phoenix

They found Brad Renfro dead in his house this morning. No one can say for sure right now but it was most likely alcohol/drug-related. Another former child actor meets another ignominious end. It makes me so sad. I liked Brad so much. I think his work in The Client was superb; it should be included in any discussion of notable performances by child actors. I always rooted for him to do well and be successful and was always glad to see him when he popped up in something. I guess the last movie I saw with him in it was either Ghost World or Bully in 2001. He was 25 years old, a month older than me. My age. Scary stuff.

So I'm really sad and a little pissed off at him right now. Sadder still cuz he always used to remind me of River, so talented but with a dangerous undercurrent right on the cusp. And now he's got more in common with River than he should have. I idol-worshipped River when I was a kid, and I guess part of me still does. I will always consider him the finest actor of his generation. I'm still a bit heartbroken over him dying so young, over what he did to himself. We watch these kids grow up in the spotlight and laugh at them and goggle when they melt down and act stupid and get arrested and get themselves killed. It's all just so sad.

So rest easy Brad. I hope you're up there chilling with River and all the ones who went before you. I'm just sorry you couldn't avoid the same trap and beat your problems. Peace brother.

Short in the living, long in the lived

For the most part I have no regrets for many of the life choices I have made in the past year and a half. A few regrets here and there, sure, but I am overall pretty happy with where I'm at and the course I set myself on when I moved here to Massachusetts.

Tonight I was going through my desk and trying to organize all the junk I have and I started to go through an old shoe box of mine. I'm a huge packrat and a bit sentimental so we'll call this a "Box o' Memories". Old newspaper clippings of the famed "Pokey Stick Bandit" of Athens, love mementos and tattered scraps of a relationship that refuses to die, every single ticket stub for every movie I have seen from two weeks ago back to 7th grade, my dog's AKC papers, and pictures of friends.

I goddamn miss my friends. I get so dang lonely here sometimes. I got to thinking about old times, funny stories, high school times, college times.....friends who have drifted, friends who have passed, and friends chewed up by the maelstrom of life and sent adrift, lost. I feel bad for all the friends I've failed, the ones I've pushed away, and the friendships and relationships I've killed off before they could grow into something possibly beautiful all because I became someone I didn't want to be.

I finally manned up and called Jenner a few weeks ago the day after her birthday, right before Christmas . It had been about a year since last time I talked to her. We just talked for the better part of an hour catching up; it was good to hear her on the phone again. She has just always been the best.

Last June I went down to D.C. to visit Joe and Jamal, while Nick and Tony flew up from Atlanta. The five of us all together for a long weekend, something that unfortunately doesn't happen anymore very often. Some drifted away, others not as close as before, some I had sworn never to speak to ever again. Over what? Who can recall, but they are still my best friends, no matter what. I could hardly contain myself that weekend; I was so goddamn happy to just be with them that I thought I was fit to burst into tears at any moment.

I think I might need to get out of Massachusetts for a few days next week. Maybe the dark New England winter is starting to get to me. Sometimes it just gets too quiet and I just get too lonely. I miss my friends.