"Hey Ma, check out my cape!"

I've always had an overactive subconscious resulting in some pretty radical and vivid dreams, but my latest rash of nighttime adventures have been particulary impressive. For the last month or so I have been having some extremely wicked superhero dreams. Even before I saw Spider-Man 3 I was web-slinging around urban cityscapes and not too long ago I had a totally sweet experience as Batman, escaping a Mob ambush in an abandoned warehouse with my trusty grappling gun. The latter was an especially intriguing dream; rather than simply watching a "dream-movie" I was directly interacting in an environment with definable dimensions. Add to those two with a great ride on the Silver Surfer's board and a turn as Green Lantern, flying and utilizing my power ring to good extent.

So with all these slumbering superhero experiences I have been wondering lately (certainly for not the first time) about what powers I would give myself if I was a caped and masked protector of truth, justice, and the American way. And rather than just appoint myself the second coming of Batman or Spidey I decided to pick and choose powers from a variety of comics greats. So please bear witness to the birth of the superhuman "Dunce Cap Marvel"!

My heroic attributes would include:

• Bruce Wayne's brooding intellect and mental fortitude. What criminal's machinations or diabolical plot could escape my grim notice? I would have the sharpest detective mind in the world and an unwavering will to achieve any goal I set for myself.
• Wolverine's heightened senses and healing factor. With my animal-like skills I could alert myself to any approaching threat or ferret out any previously-undiscovered clues. And who wouldn't want to slow the aging process and reverse major bodily harm?
• Nightcrawler's superior agility and ability to teleport himself (minus the blue skin and freaky appearance). Plusses that are very fitting for me are his German heritage and devout Roman Catholicism. BAMF!
• The Spirit's quick wit and levity in the face of danger and almost certain death. It takes incredible balls to be able to crack jokes and let loose with the insults when you're kicking ass and dodging bullets.
• The Green Lantern's backup: what could be worse than being a superhero who has painted himself into a corner, trapped by your arch-nemesis and facing certain doom? Good thing you can put out an emergency call to the Green Lantern Corps. It certainly can't hurt to have 7,200 of your closest friends armed with the most powerful weapon in the universe having your back and ready to tag in.
• The Incredible Hulk's origin story. I can't imagine a worse comic book character but you do have to give props to a guy who took a huge dose of gamma radiation full on and survived and thrived when 99.9% of the population would have simply gotten cancer and died.
• Last but certainly not least I would take two things from Spider-Man. Whenever that radioactive spider bit him it must have imbued Peter Parker with some sort of insane skill-set that prevented vertigo and acrophobia and allowed him to pull crazy Gs while swinging through the Big Apple. I have got to have that. Secondly, I would take his girlfriends. Honestly how does a dork like Parker pull ass from the likes of Gwen Stacy, Mary Jane Watson, Betty Brant, and Black Cat!? It might not be a superpower per se, but I will take that ability any day of the week and before any of the others I've listed here; especially when Betty is embodied by none other than the amazingly hot Elizabeth Banks.

"Who knows what evil lies in the hearts of men? The Dunce Cap Marvel knows!" BAMF!